In today’s culture where politics and other dichotomous issues seem to divide, we will come across people with whom we do not share similar opinions. We may work with them, raise children amongst them, and even live with them. As tragedies and disasters swirl around us, the solutions we offer may not match the ideas of those around us. So how do we live in disagreement, peacefully? How can we respond when we feel hurt by comments from those with whom we share life?

First, we begin with our values. What kind of person do I want to be? Rather than focusing on another’s viewpoint or action, start by reminding yourself of what you hold in highest esteem. Brene Brown says it’s “how we do things around here.” No matter what point on a spectrum you tend to fall, you can espouse the values of love and compassion, acknowledging the dignity of each person with which you engage in dialogue.  

“Who do I want to be in this moment?” offers an implied action during times where we tend to feel powerless such as brewing arguments and moral dilemmas.  Remember the values you hold dear.  Choose behaviors and responses that are in line with those values.  Being the person you choose to be during this experience minimizes the chances that anger and hurt will turn you into someone you are not.

Then, find what you share in common. Remind yourself that most disagreements stem from the how, not necessarily the what. For instance, you might have a disagreement in your house over loading the dishwasher. Begin by remembering that everyone wants clean dishes. You may agree with the method of loading the dishes; you might have friction over the importance of speed vs. efficiency of filling the dishwasher.  At the end of the day, everyone want the dishes to be clean. It’s the how, not the what, that usually causes disagreement.

Next, recognize the potential for growth in each interaction. What does this person have to teach me? Perhaps you don’t come away in agreement with a particular point of action, but you might learn more about the above-mentioned values you wish to cultivate in all your future conversations.

Finally, set healthy boundaries around interactions with people. This practice often gets a bad reputation when people believe boundary setting only as cutting somebody out of your life. Instead, learning to detach with love from others’ hurtful behaviors is key to depersonalizing in a healthy way.  Owning our part in conflict is essential in focusing on what we have control over, whether this is how we treated someone else or how we responded to they’re treatment of us.

Part of being human is acknowledging the distinctness of each individual: the gifts, perceptions, ideas and values that they embody.  When we come from a place of scarcity and fear, seeing the value in all people can feel threatening.  Another’s value does not negate our own, nor does it take from our own contributions to the world.  There is more than enough to go around.  Remembering this is central to living peacefully.

Over the years in our practice at Mind Body Health Associates, we have noticed patterns that comes with the beginning of the school year. One consistency is the increased number of calls to our office from concerned and loving parents, regarding his/her teenaged daughter. Often, this girl is intelligent, scoring top grades in her classes. She is active in sports and/or music and other extra-curricular activities. She might have a summer or after-school job and she likely volunteers or participates in service-based or religious organizations. Regularly, the parent will say, “she’s the last girl that a person would think needs therapy.”

A young girl’s drive to be the best on the field or in the classroom can serve as a positive source of stress, and the rewards of success fuel continued efforts. However, if the weight of expectations settles in over long amounts of time, motivating pressure becomes chronic stress, which impairs a person’s ability to think and perform, on top of the physical manifestations, such as reduced sleep quality and quantity, change of appetite, headaches, or other symptoms that seem “strange” or “random” when in the doctor’s office.

The rise in stress levels of teenage girls is happening across the country and catching the eyes of researchers in the world of mental health. NPR reported, “Between 2005 and 2014, the scientists found, rates of depression went up significantly — if extrapolated to all U.S. teens it would work out to about a half million more depressed teens. What’s more, three-fourths of those depressed teens in the study were girls.” UC Berkely’s Greater Good Institute revealed, “The number of kids and teens being treated for depression has doubled in the past five years; a quarter of teenagers felt “sad or depressed every day for two or more weeks” at least once during the previous year.”

Holly Schweitzer Dunn, LISW, and Jayne Williams, LPCC, LICDC, are partnering with the Findlay Family YMCA to host a workshop on the topics of high performing teenage girls and managing stress associated with an active lifestyle. The event, slated for 4:00 PM, Sunday, September 17 at the Findlay Family YMCA, will welcome teen girls (ages 14-19) and their parents or caregivers. Holly and Jayne have a combined 45 years of experience helping teenagers and families cope with the mental and emotional effects of stress and promote a lifestyle of wellbeing, addressing anxiety and depression along with personal areas of expertise. Holly has a long history of treating eating disorders, trauma, and behavioral disorders while Williams’ experience addresses addictions of many forms, along with family dynamics. Jayne, whose youngest daughter recently launched into college, adds a personal experience to her clinical expertise.

Together, the counselors will help participants identify the way stress affects daily living, help name stressors, and give tools to help alleviate thoughts, fears, and behaviors associated with the rise in depression and anxiety in this particularly susceptible group. Teens will have time with the counselor without parents to feel free to ask questions and speak honestly about their struggles. Parents and adults who work with teen girls will have a chance to learn from a counselor how to help girls manage expectations in a healthy way.

You can pre-register for the event online. Walk-in participants will be welcome as space allows. Students and parents are welcome to attend alone, but benefits increase as a family shares in perspective and approach the issues from a similar starting point.

More than 20 years after his mother, Princess Diana, was killed, Prince Harry recently sought mental health treatment to deal with the effects of the trauma. In an interview for On Point, the Prince said he came close to a “complete breakdown” and finally sought help after realizing that his unresolved grief had caused negative effects even into his adult life.

He told the press, “(I) started to have a few conversations and actually all of a sudden, all of this grief that I have never processed started to come to the forefront and I was like, there is actually a lot of stuff here that I need to deal with.”

Hollywood stars Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell are taking the opposite approach to therapy: they started early. The couple has been married for five years and sought a professional perspective right away. “There’s such a negative connotation,” Shepard told Good Housekeeping. “In my previous relationship, we went to couples’ therapy at the end, and that’s often too late. You can’t go after nine years and start figuring out what patterns you’re in.”

Therapist Holly Schweitzer Dunn, LISW, made a few observations from the therapeutic decisions of famous people:

1. Money, fame, and even royalty cannot save you from your problems.  We all live in the world and need help processing our experiences from time to time.
2. It’s never too late to seek treatment, but sooner is better. We begin to implement coping mechanisms immediately after a stressful event and the earlier a person can begin to work through the process of healing, the fewer negative patterns of behavior that will need to be examined. Often with trauma, or any significant life event, a person can attempt to deflect, avoid,or redirect emotions in unhealthy ways.  These initial coping responses will become life lifestyle patterns if left unchecked.  
3. As a society we must continue to remove the stigma around seeking help with mental heath issues. Regular maintenance – checking in with your whole self – goes a long way in preventing complete breakdowns. Just like we change the oil in our vehicles to prevent catastrophic damage to the engines, we can approach our well being in the same manner. Instead of ignoring warning signs, seeking the help of a professional counselor will provide tools to help create a coping strategy for healthy, long-term benefit.

Because what we eat changes the functioning of our brain, one of the easiest ways to offer your body and mind healthy nourishment is to align yourself with the availability of the seasons. Spring offers an abundance of green! If leafy salads aren’t your favorite, you can still include greens in your regular diet through smoothies or tossing them with roasted veggies and chicken.