The Power of Letting Go

Mar 30, 2022

In a month where spring cleaning is often the focus, what are some things we need to let go? What are the emotions, thoughts, feelings are we holding onto that aren’t serving us?

Often emotions that are weighing us down come in the form of shame and regret – close cousins of the same family to be sure. But what are they, exactly? Simply, regret is wishing things were different than the way they are and shame is the resulting feeling of humiliation. But more than that, “Regret is a negative emotion that hinges on counterfactual thinking. Counterfactual thinking essentially means that we look back and concoct imaginary scenarios to convince ourselves things could be better” (Social Psychologist, Dr. Neal Roese / Self.com).

This shame and regret and the corresponding thinking begs the question: Would things really be better? Can we absolutely know that? If the answer is no (as it likely is), how is it serving us to hold onto that belief?

In her work Loving What Is, Author Byron Katie encourages us to ask four questions when we are confronted with regretful beliefs:

Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react – how does it feel – when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?

The next step in Katie’s “The Work” is to “Turn it around.” This process certainly requires some practice, but can be extremely effective in moving past these beliefs. Need an example?

Regret Statement: I shouldn’t have ended that relationship.

Is it true? Yes, it feels true. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? No.

How does it feel when you believe that thought? It keeps me stuck in a situation; it makes me feel guilty and sad.

Who would you be without that thought? Someone who could open herself to new relationships and be free of old, toxic behaviors.

Turn it around: I should have ended that relationship because now I am open to more healthy connections that allow me to be a better person.

Learn more about Byron Katie’s “The Work” and this process here.

As we move further into spring there is a natural tendency to want to shed, to throw away, to remove extraneous items (both tangible and intangible) from our lives. If regret – and the shame that results from regretful beliefs are among those things you want to get rid of – check out some of the resources below. But remember too, regret is not always a bad thing; it can help us learn and grow as humans. It is toxic when we allow it to grow and remain.

Remember: As spiritual teacher and author Eckhart Tolle said: “Sometimes letting go is an act of far greater power than hanging on.”

Resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understand-other-people/201704/letting-go-regrets

Loving What Is by Byron Katie

https://thriveworks.com/blog/how-to-forgive-yourself/

Talking with Kids During Collective Uncertainty

Jan 13, 2021

By Holly Schweitzer Dunn, LISW

Another terribly confusing, scary crisis. Watching a mob of angry people flood into a building that is a symbol of everything we take for granted- freedom, safety, personal opinion, free speech, cooperation, working for the greater good- in our democratic society glued me to my tv and phone. I permitted my children extra video game time knowing they were wearing headsets and interacting in all their tween glory with their friends, unaware of yet another trauma unfolding while I tried to make dinner, reading and re-reading the recipe, the details and steps not able to hold together in my mind. I wanted them to be unaware, at least until I could wrap my brain around what was happening and how to explain it to them.

Just as we were all beginning to feel a little hopeful that the Covid vaccine would turn life back to normal we were subjected, again, to fear and uncertainty. This time it was at the Capitol Building. Over this past week, many parents have asked the best way to address this with their children. Here are our recommendations:

1. Talk to your kids about what happened. They know more than you think they do and deserve to hear the facts from you. Be sure to use developmentally appropriate language and detail. A typical three year old does not have the emotional or mental capacity to understand the complexities of mob mentality and perception. They do, however, understand that different people have different opinions and that everyone wants treated fairly and deserves to live in safety. They also understand that leaders and words have power.

2. Share still images that allow your children to have accurate mental images. Showing an entire video of the Capitol break-in is probably not appropriate for most school age children. Allowing them to see images of broken windows, the women carrying to safety the case of electoral college votes, or protestors gathering outside the Capitol building can give them snapshots of the event that fill in the missing pieces they have from the uncertainty and from their lack of life experience.

3. Turn off the radio, tv news, and news notifications on your phone. As caregivers our first and most important responsibility is the safety and well being of our children. Be in control of the information they see and hear in your home. This is also a good time to review the filters and parent controls on your children’s cell phones, computers, tablets and other devices to ensure you are doing your best to safeguard against unwanted information inadvertently entering your home.

4. Remember children need to process the information just as adults need. In young children this looks like playing out their reality. You may see your children re-enacting their interpretation of recent events. You likely have already seen and heard your children play COVID-themed enactments. Older children may talk about it with you or with their friends, draw, write, tweet or post on social media (if permitted) their thoughts, questions, and opinions. This is normal and to be encouraged.

5. Encourage action. To regain a sense of empowerment after a trauma finding “doing steps” is key. Helping your children find where their power lies and appropriately exerting it is not only a rebuilding step after a trauma, it is a life lesson they will carry into adulthood. Doing steps can be simple: drawing a picture that tells the story of what happened, saying a prayer or meditation to regain a sense of peace and center, playing outside and breathing in the cold air as a reminder of safety. It can also include writing a letter to a congressperson, talking to someone with differing political views, thinking about someone you know and love who believes differently than you.

Judging Others, Judging Ourselves

Nov 6, 2019

Judging Others, Judging Ourselves

by Michele Minehart, RYT & Community Educator

Last fall I drove through a subdivision and noticed a house with Christmas lights in full glory well before the societally-agreed-upon commencement date of Thanksgiving. I heard a voice in my mind say, “Ugh, seriously? Already? Can we not just have one holiday at a time?”

As I drew closer, I remembered that the family in that house had only recently moved in. My inner dialogue began to shift, as it said, “Oh, I bet they’re so excited to celebrate their first holiday season in their new home! I bet the anticipation is making this a fun time of year for them.”

I recognized my judgmental tendencies, believing that others should act according to my own sense of Shoulds and Shouldn’ts, and then had a much more profound realization. As I drove outside their home, edifying opinions as to their exterior illumination schedules, the owners of the home felt none of it. Their day and their lives didn’t change based upon what I thought of their decisions. But mine had. I could feel the “clenchiness” of my judgment, almost as if my eyes narrowed and chin dropped as the negative energy arose. And then I felt my heart lift and my shoulders soften as I welcomed the warmer feelings of a first Christmas in a new home.

Sometimes the undertone of “do not judge” is a call to leave everyone alone to their decisions, or ways of living, and perhaps there’s room for more “live and let live.” But in my experience, making an effort of releasing judgmental thoughts changes me and allows me to live with a sense of freedom. I’m relieved of needing to carry the weight of the Shoulds of others – and, with practice, I learn to set down my own set of Shoulds. I can reroute the energy of judgment and spend it instead on inhabiting joy.

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The Heavily Meditated Teacher

Jul 12, 2019

The Heavily Meditated Teacher

When you come to the Mindful Educators retreat, one of the elements woven into the day is the importance of establishing a personal meditation practice. The elements of quieting the mind, noticing the breath and allowing thoughts to slide through awareness are essential to living and teaching mindfully.

It’s okay if you’re not ready to sit on your zafu pillow for an hour each morning! Taking a quiet 10-minute walk or spending the first 90 seconds in your classroom with eyes closed and breathing deeply are valuable forms of mindfulness. Small doses repeated through the day are powerful ways to keep your steady pace.

A meditation practice puts space into your day and into the way your brain functions. As the training ground for patience and peacefulness, it’s a way to practice slowing down our reactions. Much of the hurried day, we have a thought that we automatically believe. A mindfulness practice teaches us to notice first that a thought has arisen, and then gives us the opportunity to decide if it’s true. From that moment, you move from reacting to responding. Ideally, mindfulness gives us permission to allow the thought to pass without response. We become less automatic in our need to do something about the thought. It is just a thought.

Mindfulness is the space that allows you to breathe through your day. It’s this space that allows you to thrive in your work and can prevent burnout by allowing the emotions and the thoughts to move through you, rather than overcome you.

So what does this actually look like? A heavily meditated teacher is one who likely:

Responds rather than reacts
Draws emotional boundaries to keep from over-personalizing others’ behaviors
Feels a connection with students that goes beyond academics
Changes the pace of the day and activity to best suit student (and teacher) needs
Feels the freedom to be creative in their unique art of teaching- even within the confines of traditional educational expectations
Has a peace corner or quiet zone in the classroom that anyone can use at any time
Understands his/her energy drives the energy of the classroom and self-regulates accordingly
Exudes joyfulness and contentment
Refuels the passion that drives their work

With cramped classrooms and schedules filled to the hilt, teachers are the first to recognize a need for space and time. But as one teacher has said, “you will never find time, you can only make time.” Creating space in your life to breathe and move mindfully might be one of the best and healthiest adjustments to your lesson plans you make this year.

Boundaries: From swaddling to schooling, they find comfort in consistency

May 15, 2019

Boundaries: From swaddling to schooling, they find comfort in consistency

Early in the parenting journey we experience just how important structure can be to a new baby: for some infants, the act of swaddling brings a visible relaxation response. Every family has its own lore about the baby who needed the snug safety of a car seat or would only slumber while in the arms of a loving parent.

Children press into these boundaries, and by encountering a loving pressure, they find safety and ease of their surroundings. They relax enough to finally sleep.

While children eventually outgrow their need for a swaddle blanket, they maintain an inner (and even exterior) craving to know their boundaries. They push against the structures we provide to test their durability, and, perhaps, test the durability of those who put the structures in place. Children don’t make it personal, but much like testing the ice before stepping upon it and trusting it with your life, they want to know that the people, places, and rhythms in which they’re trusting themselves will be able to bear the weight. This is human nature, a wiring of the brain meant to protect individuals.\

Landon Dunn, LISW-S, LICDC, says, “all disappointment is unmet expectations.” Whether or not you’ve intentionally built rhythms into the spaces of your time and home, children naturally have expectations of consistency. When life becomes inconsistent children feel disappointed and unsure of the future, and that often comes out in their behavior.

Looking at structure through the eyes of a developing child, you see that structure is a safety mechanism, the psyche’s way of protecting the whole child. We, as parents, typically see a reaction against a boundary as negative because of the behavior children use to express their opinion. However, we also know that when boundaries crumble, the child internally absorbs that experience as instability and will have difficulty trusting the boundary (and the parent!) in the future.

Something as simple as a bedtime routine helps build the trust associated with keeping consistent boundaries and expectations. By building a routine of bathtime, story, snuggles, and bed, a child knows what to expect each evening. This calms a child’s sense of wondering, “what’s next?” and builds a sense of trust in you.

As children grow, boundaries shift – bedtimes extend later, structure around the day gets looser. These changes can come about with relative calm and ease as the trust that built over time through consistent and stable boundaries gives children confidence they can return to the safety of their home and family.

Boundaries are a way of teaching children: You can trust me. You can count on me. I’ll do what I say, and when you need something, you can expect me to support you.

The Power of Paying Attention

May 15, 2019

The Power of Paying Attention

From their very beginnings, our children demand, and warrant, a massive amount of attention. During the infant years, we’re paying attention to hourly shifts and changes so we can appropriately respond to their needs – does he need a new diaper? Is it feeding time again? Into toddlerhood, we’re monitoring the terrain dangerous to walking and small objects they could potentially swallow. This is the most basic way that we love our children through behavior: we keep them safe.

As children grow and develop, it might feel as if our attention isn’t required because they can finally make a peanut butter & jelly sandwich or operate the shower without fear of drowning. What parents don’t often realize, however, is that our attention is still very necessary: it simply shifts direction.

Underlying all childhood behavior is an emotional component and a need the child is seeking to meet. Unlike the newborn years where the needs are primarily physical in nature (changing a wet diaper meets comfort and health needs that also work to meet the emotional need for safety, love, and secure attachment), parents of older children must learn to adjust their attention toward the needs higher on Maslow’s hierarchy. Elements such as a sense of belonging in the family and social acceptance also drive behavior later in childhood. As children develop into pre-teens and teenagers they begin their search to meet a need of identity formation and accomplishment as they explore and connect more with their own sense of individuality.

If this feels like a lot, well, it can be! What’s a parent to do? At risk of oversimplifying, the answer is: simply pay attention. Notice patterns. One of the biggest risks of today’s fast-paced world is parenting that is “present but absent.” Our parent-minds venture toward the more obvious needs demanding our attention and begin to give less attention to the quieter, more subtle things our children still need. As a parent, it may feel good to know our child can put himself to bed on his own, and we may miss his need for that special snuggling time from young childhood where the day ended with warmth and affection. While children don’t necessarily consciously notice this, they do have an inner way of adjusting their own volume to attempt to demand our attention when we don’t give it readily. This can range in presentation from tantrums and yelling to self injury, depression, and other quiet, numbing behaviors.

At its root, in many forms, what our children want and need from us is connection. The same connection that keeps them safe and fed in the early years also builds their personal confidence and teaches them how to establish meaningful connections with others and within the world as they grow older. Giving them your loving attention beyond words, by establishing eye contact, being willing to sit at their level, and putting away distractions – even important ones – helps them to learn the skills necessary to build meaningful connections with you and with others.

In this way, over time, we learn how to respond to particular events and situations with awareness rather than being prone to simply react based on surface behavior. Take a moment to remind yourself of your child’s developmental capabilities in relationship to your expectations. Celebrate that your child is attempting to meet a need, and help him find a way to get that need met that is healthy, appropriate, and within the values of your family.