Because sex is usually a private part of our lives, we often don’t know what falls in the range of “normal.” Sex is an expression not just of human reproduction, but also specific relationships between people. However, people’s attitudes about sex might not be only a reflection of a current relationship; it also involves past sexual experiences, attitudes and behaviors. Talking about these experiences can involve shame or judgment which doesn’t make it easy, so try to approach conversations regarding your sexual relationship with patience and grace. How do you know when you need the help of a professional to guide you in these issues? Jayne Williams, LPCC, LICDC, offers a few standards of healthy sexual relationships:
Consent. Healthy sexual relationships always involves enthusiastic consent by both parties. Healthy sex is always a choice, meaning both individuals must be clear headed to give consent. If a person is intoxicated, they are not able to clearly give consent. If there is a difference in power, it diminishes the consent. Healthy sex is between equals.
Safety. Most adults agree that sex is better in a caring, loving relationship where there is trust and freedom to be oneself. Healthy sexual behaviors include treating one’s self and the other person in a respectful manner, being willing to accept no for an answer, feeling safe. Affection and intimacy deepens the relationship.
Connection. Healthy sex gives plenty of thought and consideration to a partner and becomes a means for mutual pleasure.  If it is used to numb or kill pain, or as an escape, it makes the experience only about the individual which can lead to dehumanizing behaviors.
Communication. People have differing opinions of what makes for the correct frequency of sex. It can be stressful when couples are unevenly suited in their sex drives or conflict in the relationship is showing up in the bedroom. What is important is to be able to communicate to your partner feelings about what you would like, or what you are not liking. Take into consideration an individual’s physical health, mental health, stressors, attitudes towards sex, and the current station in life when approaching these concerns. Communication in a sensitive and kind manner can go a long way to help people meet in the middle and work towards solutions.

What can you expect if you decide to seek counseling for this area of your relationship?

When clients come into counseling, it is common to ask about concerns regarding their past sexual behaviors, or anything at present that is causing distress. Our job as clinicians is to make the conversations as helpful and informative as possible, while looking to find solutions.